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The 21st Century Pandemic: A Time of Love & Happiness?
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As the great Mahatma Gandhi once spoke about truth and non-violence, I believe love and happiness are as old as the hills. So, the thing is, we don’t have to go searching for happiness under the couch or inside our closets. We’ve had it in our lives this entire time. The key to understanding true happiness is by realizing every moment is an opportunity for happiness. The only thing keeping us from being happy is our own opinion. Let’s discuss that all-encompassing word that either sends people running or has them falling to their knees in hopes of attaining it: love.
Why does love seem so complicated now? Why can’t I find “the one” for me? When did the romance, intrigue, and passion start to flutter away into the long history of humanity? The truth is, it hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s just hard to find. But so is the pearl of a shell, one of nature’s beautiful creations.
One indispensable feature of finding a romantic partner is understanding. Understanding comes in all forms, from knowing your partner’s idiosyncrasies, to reminding yourself that your partner’s memory isn’t as good as yours. Let’s take a look. Your significant other has mentioned to you once or twice that they’ve had their eye on a coffee table but they’ve had no luck finding one within their price range or one that they really like. Now, it’s easy to think that this isn’t an important facet in someone’s life. Let’s walk a few miles in this person’s shoes. Although that coffee table isn’t a life-or-death decision, your partner does want one. Maybe a coffee table isn’t a candle-lit dinner with a bouquet of roses, but it is practical, and believe it or not, love is sometimes practical. Every human has a certain weight on their shoulders, and when you ease that weight even by a fraction, we’ve allowed love to enter our lives and help those we care about, for loved ones are meant to support each other in life through everything. Love grows in every direction, and caring for your partner by doing seemingly insignificant things is vital to fostering a mutually loving relationship. Maybe the coffee table isn’t the right example for you.
The thing is: love isn’t always romantic. It can be practical, reasonable, friendly, understanding, and many, many more wonderful things.
I believe there are two pillars of love. One was just discussed: understanding. And the second, equally important pillar is communication. Are we communicating with our partner? Not only are you often failing to communicate, but you’re often communicating how you feel is best. But here’s the thing, love must be a reciprocal give-and-take of communicating to our partner’s needs, which can be different at times from our own method of communication. Wait a minute, it almost sounds like you’re saying we’re speaking different languages of love… Psychology has come to understand that there are 5 love languages we use every day but we often don’t realize which one we’re using.
Let’s break them down:
- Words of affirmation
Otherwise known as loving reflection. Show affection for your partner by using kind, encouraging, and definitely, loving words. The love you have for your partner is affirmed through this method by the beautiful language we all share. Think of picking up some poetry to encourage your mind the different ways of expressing your love. Walt Whitman, Edgar Allen Poe, and Percy Bysshe Shelley are great poets of love. It’s the idea that your partner sat down, pencil in hand and reached deep into their souls to find the words affirming their love for you.
- Quality time
In other words, how much time are you spending with your partner? Are you finding ways to spend time with your partner even through your busy work week? It’s important here to not only spend time with your partner, but also when you are with your partner that you’re not spending it on your phone or absorbed in your own thoughts. It’s called quality time for a reason, not quantity time. Your love is shown by listening to your partner’s life; their triumphs, their failures, and their inner conflicts. And what’s important here is that advice isn’t always necessary. Sometimes, simply listening is the best way forward.
- Acts of service
Spend some time with your partner doing things for them. No, that doesn’t mean becoming their full-time chauffeur or cleaner, but it does mean you’ll have to get your hands dirty every once in a while. Here, we should make sure our love is expressed through action. In other words, running errands for them, helping them clean up their house or organizing their belongings, doing laundry, or cooking them dinner. Your love is on display, so make sure you’re acting accordingly.
- Gifts
Remember earlier when we mentioned the coffee table? Yup, this is that. Love here is shown through thoughtful tokens of gratitude. The price should not matter here as much as the thought that goes into the gift. This goes to say that listening goes hand-in-hand with this love language. For example, if your partner sometimes mentions a CD or a piece of art they’ve been looking at buying but simply haven’t had the time to buy it, that’s your cue to get it for them. Who knew listening would come in handy?
- Touch
This one is tricky for some people as it often leads to miscommunication by non-consensual physical touch. A couple things to note here is that you should be reading your partner’s body language. If their feet, knees, or torso are facing you, even when it’s inconvenient, it could be a sign they’re interested. Here, you can test the waters and reach out by giving them a caress on the shoulder, upper back or hand. Again, it’s important here you’re taking small steps forward; let your partner’s body guide you. Consensual touch, requires clear and open communication between two people at all times, and to thoroughly discuss what this means for each of you and what permission is given.
Love doesn’t always have to be hard work, but it does take time to learn how to love. As the psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm once said, love is not primarily to be loved, but rather, it is to love another, one’s capacity to love another. When we learn how to love, we learn that being loved is much easier because we demand less from someone else and, in turn, intrinsically develop a love for ourselves that we don’t need validated from someone else.
The lesson? Love yourself, and you’ll find yourself gently floating down the river stream until your love evolves to include someone else.
Three takeaways:
- Fostering the love languages you and your partner share
- Speaking their language when necessary
- Making sure your partner is speaking your language
Love is only as hard as you make it out to be. When you dedicate time to understanding your partner, you’ll find love can be simple.
Don't hesitate to be in touch here at Pathway-Therapy if you want to dive deeper into your own self-love and understanding of love.
At Pathway-Therapy, we openly welcome and work with many life challenges.
Understanding why and how you react or feel the way you do in relationships with others helps you take a step towards a healthy, grounded, and fulfilled place in the world. Working with a trained psychotherapist will help you explore your life with different lenses and introduce alternative choices and pathways.